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| Ready? Set? Go, Mr. Burns... |
| 10.31.04 (5:05 am) [edit] |
Throughout television history, there have been many shows that started out brilliant (or got there in their 2nd season), remained brilliant for many years, and then completely wore out their welcome and got totally stupid and lame. Shows like:
Northern Exposure
The X Files
Friends
Chicago Hope
But the main, grandaddy show of them all is, without a doubt, "The Simpsons," which was unwatchable in its first season, much improved in the 2nd and 3rd seasons, completely brilliant in its 4-8th seasons, not as good in the 9th season, and then back to completely unwatchable bad again from the 10th season on.
However, year after year, it wins the Emmy for best animated TV show, even though it hasn't been remotely funny in years and has become not so much a tv show as just a vehicle for celebrities to become animated guest stars. They get the guest star first and design a completely weak and ridiculous plot around them.
Case in point, the NSYNC episode. They guest starred, so they had Bart join a boy band with Milhouse and Nelson? And it turned out to be like a recruiting thing for the military? And what of the unwatchable Rolling Stones rock n' roll camp episode? Or the Mel Gibson one?
And yet, yuppie journalists keep churning out article after gushing article with headlines like "The Simpsons: They've Still Got It!"
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| Bond Vs. Bond |
| 10.29.04 (1:45 pm) [edit] |
My brother's friend and I recently had an argument over which was the best James Bond. He said Sean Connery, and I said Timothy Dalton. This boy could not believe I would say Timothy Dalton, who only made two films as James Bond, despite clearly being the best Bond who ever was and ever will be.
You see, Timothy Dalton was the best Bond because he played the role totally serious. Sure, there were a few jokes here and there-that's what makes Bond Bond. But he played him as if he were really a real guy-an assassin, and a highly trained international spy. "The Living Daylights" is the best James Bond movie for this very reason-it portrays Bond in highly adventurous dangers, but he deals with them realistically. Except when he drives a Jeep out of a plane and lands it on the ground and drives away.
Regardless, Timothy Dalton was far an away better than Sean Connery, who sucked it up as the original hairy, Scottish James Bond who wore skimpy swimming suits in most of his films and looked like he was easily in his late 60s when filming began.
I think the choice is crystal clear.
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| Stockholm Syndrome |
| 10.27.04 (10:58 am) [edit] |
Stock·holm syndrome (stkhlm, -hm)
n.
A psychological phenomenon in which a hostage begins to identify with and grow sympathetic to his or her captor.
We all know that religion and politics are the two touchiest subjects to engage in conversation, and usually most of us will fill in a third item to which we can identify with, such as being a Ketchup or Catsup fan, or a Red Sox or a Yankees fan. Personally for me I feel conversations can come to blows regarding the fact that you are a Mac (Macintosh) or a PC (Personal Computer) user. These arguments are known to end with spit in your face or a surprise hit and run shanking. So I think it’s unsafe to mention that what I am about to say will mean possible fisticuffs or even the likelihood of a shanking as I walk down the hallway to my work office, falling to the ground while grabbing my side in pain yelling “why me,” as someone runs off yelling some threatening PC rhetoric.
Now, some of us have heard of the term “Stockholm Syndrome,” which from the definition above describes it as a psychological phenomenon in which a hostage begins to identify with and grow sympathetic to his or her captor. Well, we all know that Personal Computers (PC’s) own most of the market (90%) in computer sales, while Macintosh (Mac’s) fill in the rest. So that 90% is a lot of people in this country who need to be converted. With me you can’t go wrong with a Mac, they are the Lexus of the computer world, while PC’s typically are the Ford Escort, or Honda Civic (if you spend more money). I have been using a PC myself (only because I have to) for years, but have been converted to a Mac since 2000. I’ve been in many conversations with die hard PC fans, and they blindly love their PC, and don’t even know why most of the time. They will even verbally put down a Mac and its user, even though they’ve never used one. They say all this even while their very own PC is giving them a hard time. I will exclude going into detail all the technical specs of PC’s vs. Mac’s; maybe that could be for another time.
So with this…”problem,” I came to a conclusion. I decided that PC users have been abused by their computer so many times for so many years that they have finally caved in and have begun to identify with their PC (or “capture”). This means that a lot of these die hard PC users have the symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome, and that’s the only way I can explain it. And if you think I’m wrong, tell me if in the last two years you have not had more than a dozen issues with your PC, but still love it, slowly caress it and defend its honor. I have had my Mac for over two years and have not had one single issue, other than my four year old son taking a magnet to my computer screen, but that’s another story. I currently have to use a PC at work, and would you know, only three months here and I want to slowly skin it alive, but the company I work for is replacing it around the new year with a Power Mac G5 Dual 2.5GHz computer….technical information…sweet! And yes, you can get a PC for really cheap ($400), but your still coloring outside of the lines.
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| She's got the way to move me, Chairy |
| 10.25.04 (7:16 pm) [edit] |
After a long and painful year, it is with extreme enthusiasm that I announce I finally got a new chair at work.
My old chair was never meant to be a regular chair, but was instead a conference room chair, stolen on my 2nd day of work, when my first chair did not meet with my satisfaction. The conference room chair was momentarily more comfortable, but not by much.
I endured for the entire year, even though the chair was essentially a 90 degree angle that caused my back a massive amount of pain and made me slump over like I had a spine made out of laffy taffy.
Finally, I made a point to do something about it, and I asked for a new chair. The stupid secretary lady who silently hates everyone-or maybe it's just me, or men in general or something-ignored my request. I requested it again, 2 weeks later, and she finally responded and said 'it will take 4-6 weeks.' "Fine," I said, and resolved myself to wait the allotted time.
However, after week #5, my stupid assistant girl, who makes about $9 an hour and has worked here for about 3 months, showed up one day with a shiny, new chair. "Where did you get that?" I asked. "I ordered it." "How long did it take to get here?" "A day," she replied. A day!!! I wrote to the stupid secretary immediately and said "order me a chair like _______'s." Apparently she went to my supervisor and said "Those chairs are $800" but my supe said "do it."
And oh what a feeling, bein's believin,' I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life. The new chair is everything I've always dreamed it would be and more.
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| PICK YOUR FRIEND'S NOSE |
| 10.21.04 (8:02 pm) [edit] |
I just got back from an important meeting from the head of the CDC. (Center for disease control) Anyway the #1 topic, naturally, was the shortage of flu shots this season. This federal government department has issued the following statement instructing everyone who doesn't receive a flu shot on how to stay healthy and to avoid the bug. I'll pass along the info.
---The Redcoat plot to take back the rebel colonies was sucessfully foiled by American undercover agents earlier this year when it was discovered the Queen had instucted England's most noted pharmaceutical company to poison all flu shot vaccine doses for the AMERICANS. In an exclusive interview, the Queen mother herself relayed the following statement concerning the matter. "Those yankees should know that we will no longer stand for sardonic irreverance of sticking a feather in your cap while riding on a pony. They need to finally acknowledge the fact that we have not received one pence for the wasted tea used in the silly retaliation on that so called harbor of theirs. I should know I was there." All American citizens who don't fall into the category of child or elderly should refrain from picking their nose in order to stop the virus from entering the body through the mouth.-----
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| there's something about green haired good guys... |
| 10.19.04 (8:49 pm) [edit] |
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the other day we were enjoying our x-men legends video game. MARVELing in all its wonder if you will. ;> wow that was a bad pun! but hey, i haven't had much time for video games the past couple years, but when a game this sweet comes along, i change my ways. anyway, we thought about what if they made a captain planet video game... it's totally politically correct, so asian kids and south american kids could play together and have a character to represent them. you have that kid who had the earth power, the water power, fire, wind, and that bizarre kid they added with the heart power. what did it even do? make evil doers change their ways and stop littering? most every scenerio was just that fat cat guy dumping crap into a river if i remember right. but anyway, the video game. you'd have a character to represent you, but then everyone would just fight over who got to be captain planet. and wasn't captain planet a hypocrit anyway? he solved pollution woes with violence! keep in mind, this is all how i remember it. he'd just pick up the bad guy and like fly em on top of a mountain and they'd just be stuck there. waiting til their evil polluting helicopter came to pick them up, ready for another episode.
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| One 25 year old, Five kids, Eight days |
| 10.19.04 (2:18 pm) [edit] |
As we all know I just spent the last 8 days watching my boss's kids while he was galvanting in Europe. And I do mean galavanting. He called me from Italy half way through his trip and said that he was staying in the same hotel as Billy Joel and his new wife and Billy was just hanging out with everyone there, being as nice as could be.
Everyday I woke up exhausted and everyday I went to bed exhausted. Not that I really did that much during the day while the kids were all at school, unless you consider going to Target and watching the Ellen Degeneres show a lot. Then in that case I did a ton.
I got home last night and my apartment smelled like a motel! I had cleaned my place before I had left so I would come home to a clean environment. So I don't know if it was the smell of 409 sitting undisturbed for the week or if I had just grown accustomed to the smell at my boss's house, but it was not the most welcoming smell to come back to.
Nonetheless the adventure is all over and hopefully my boss won't travel again until the spring.
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| STATE of consciousness |
| 10.15.04 (6:14 pm) [edit] |
In light of all the election talk this year, I have heard many states made mention of, and yet many of the newsies don't know how to refer to people from the states. Is it "Californians" or "Californiders"? Is it "Idahoans" or simply "Idaho-Americans"? In an effort to bring semblance and reason to the proceedings, I have created this handy chart for everyone's use. Simply locate the state you wish to refer to and continue on your merry, conversational way.
Alabama: Alabamen
Alaska: Alaskans
Arizona: Arizoners
Arkansas: Arkansasians
California: Californicators
Colorado: Coloradianicators
Connecticut: Connecticuters
Deleware: Delewarians
Florida: Floridians
Georgia: Georgans
Hawaii: Hawaiins
Idaho: Ida-hos
Illinois: FIBs
Indiana: Indians
Iowa: Iowans
Kansas: Dorothies
Kentucky: Kentuckers
Louisiana: Lousianans
Maine: Mainards
Maryland: Marylanders
Massachusetts: Europeans
Michigan: Michiganianers
Minnesota: Minnesotians
Mississippi: Mississippites
Missouri: Missouri Loves Company
Montana: Montanans
Nebraska: Nebbers
Nevada: Nevadans
New Hampshire: New Hampshuns
New Jersey: New Yorkers
New Mexico: New Mexicans
New York: Yorkies
North Carolina: North Carolinaeeuns
North Dakota: North Dakotans
Ohio: Ohiocators
Oklahoma: Oklahomos
Oregon: Hippies
Pennsylvania: Pennsylvaniuns
Rhode Island: Rhode Islanders
South Carolina: South Carolinians
South Dakota: South Dakotians
Tennessee: Tennessians
Texas: Texasers
Utah: Utes
Vermont: Vermonties
Virginia: Virgins
Washington: Washingtoners
West Virginia: West Virgins
Wisconsin: Cheeseheads
Wyoming: Not necessary, since no one admits to being from Wyoming
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| which one of us would be the fool? |
| 10.14.04 (12:21 am) [edit] |
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today i think i figured out that my best friend simon is probably a multiple personality created by my mind in order to cope with stress. just like fight club! except not cool! t-y-l-e-r --> s-i-m-o-n it's spooky! that's why everybody gives me crazy looks. it must look like i'm always singing to myself or laughing to myself. stuff like that! so yeah, that's quite the possibility. is that crazy? or is me actually trying to convince myself that i have a multiple personality crazy? there's another theory i have that i've possibly inhaled too many glue type fumes from the envelope stuffing job. all these chemicals on my fingers and such. some lady at work told us that some girl licked envelopes all day long when she didn't realize that they had sponges and stuff to do the licking for you, i believe she got sick and had to be taken to the hospital.
this one girl got mad at me the other day cuz i kept using gambling terms in our conversation. "you folded like a bad hand." stuff like that. today at work simon threw this empty box towards me and when it hit me in the arm i made it look like i totally knocked me down. it was a great day for the world of acting. i think i have a problem typing "ha" too much now. i need to stop. i sound like a stand up comedian and this post has lost all of its focus. it was supposed to be about i had a multiple personality and i was gonna make some good fight club jokes and now look at it! it's ruined! horribly ruined! ok yeah i hear that fruit punch upstairs callin my name. and hey who watched the debates? that moderator was a jerk! no personality and a crappy tie! i'm not voting for that moderator... no sir! ;p
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| So I wait for confirmation that I'm never gonna use my starting gun |
| 10.13.04 (12:15 am) [edit] |
Watching a recent string of movie trailers the last few weeks, I have decided that 95 percent of the movies being made these days star either:
Owen Wilson
Queen Latifah
Ben Stiller
Queen Latifah is in, I think, about 19 movies this year. Taxi, Beauty Shop, Spider Man, The Passion, etc. Owen always gets paired up with ridiculous people who don't match him whatsoever, such as Morgan Freeman. Not that I think Morgan is a ridiculous person (maybe just a little over-used himself, as the older, wiser guy who is always condescending to whoever he associates with in every role) but that it's just a ridiculous pairing. And of course Ben Stiller practically just lives at movie studios and walks around into everyone's movies and comes up with roles for himself.
I would suggest that all 3 of them make a movie together, but I'm sure it's already in the works, or has probably accidentally happened already. If you were playing "6 degrees" with these actors, you could connect each of them to any Hollywood star, including any of the stars of that "Kumar likes White Castle" or whatever movie, in about 1/2 a step. "Owen Wilson was with Kumar in Men in Black" "Owen Wilson was with Humphrey Bogart in The African Queen." It doesn't matter what you say, because it's always true!
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| A BOOF!!!!!! |
| 10.12.04 (2:24 pm) [edit] |
The best things happen to me everytime I blog. The last time I ventured to the library and finished my post, I was e-mailing a friend when......BOOOOOF!!!!!! The guy right next to me let out this huge fart. As I told my friend I think he was deaf becasue it was so loud and "OUT OF CONTROL." Well, I wasn't going to breath so I held my breath. After all what was once in in butt could get into my blood-stream just by breathing, so I held my breath as long as I could. Sure enough, I inhaled and took in a stale, potent stench, which made me snort. Notwithstanding, the guy left and not but 30 seconds later, the computer was claimed again by this kid who randomly was singing..."Welcome to the Hotel California." LOUD. PEOPLE ARE STUPID, LIKE THE ONES WHO VOTE FOR, ------- ---- ----- --- ------ ---- --------, --- ------ -------!
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| Can you ... *sniff* ... read my... miiiinnnnddd? |
| 10.11.04 (5:46 pm) [edit] |
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| march of the pigs |
| 10.10.04 (2:47 am) [edit] |
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the other day, my friend and i went out ghosthunting. we ended up mostly taking a bunch of silly pix. but i was laying down taking a picture of a doorway when he walked in front of me. i decided to take the picture anyway, and let him suffer the consequences. ladies and gentleman, i present to you: simon's piggies, in all their glory.
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| 2 Captains 1 Destiny |
| 10.08.04 (11:59 am) [edit] |
Need we say more
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| And I would drive 3600 miles and I would drive 3600 more... |
| 10.07.04 (2:28 pm) [edit] |
I've been trying to encourage Purple Mountains to blog about her unfortunate incident from earlier this week, but she seems to be distracted by a certain gentleman friend and cannot find the time to blog. I see where your priorities are Purple Mountains......
I recently purchased a brand new automobile. This is the first time I have owned a brand new car. All my other cars have been previously owned vehicles, so to have a car from the beginning is both a good and a bad thing. Good in that nothing feels better than a new car. Bad in that you want to keep it that way forever. Eggs Benedict even refuses to drive it until it is broken in. How will we know when this is? "When I stop driving it like an old lady" in Eggs words. Which may be soon, but I'm still breaking it in.
To help maintain the newness of the car I have elected to stay at work during lunch instead of driving the 7.5 miles home to eat. Overall, this will keep 3600 miles off my car each year. Unfortunately, it keeps me at work during lunch, thus having to pack a lunch everday. PB&J was good for about 2 days, then I got sick of it. I have resorted to lean cuisine meals, and though they aren't disgusting, they aren't exactly good.
I will go back to eating my "turkey in delicious herb sauce, with apple dumplings" and hope that someone at the Lean Cuisine factory is reading this blog and will improve the tastiness factor of their meals.
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| IT IS I.....EGGS BENEDICT |
| 10.05.04 (5:15 pm) [edit] |
I thought I'd post...since it has been a stench of a long time. I'm been super busy man again. A girl got suspended at my work and another co-workers wrist is still jacked....I swoooooooooop in and take all the shifts and earn a shiz load in the process. Not to mention my 401k now brings in a killer 2 dollars a day. Wow only 2 dollars you say...well I say HEATHEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! That adds up over time. I've been at this Hotel for 4 years now. Soon they will match 50 cents on the dollar or should I say fiddy cent? I estimate that it 2 years it will bring in 5 bucks a day, in ten 25 dollars a day. Geeeeez I could retire when I'm 45. Anyway, my point. After I posted the last time I went into a killer day-dream fantasy. I went to my car and opened to door to get in and noticed that my door frame had accumulated alot of rust. I sighed wondering why I had never noticed it before and got into the car. As I was about to put my key in, my eyes caught the milage which read about 35,000 miles less then when I went into the library. Yep, I had gotten into the wrong white Saturn....pretty funny...he he he ha ha ha ha ha .............ha. OK BYE!
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| every dog has its day |
| 10.03.04 (11:35 pm) [edit] |
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the girl weiner dog picture for anybody who didn't see it. roxy is the black one and annie is the brown one. oh so cute ;D and yes, i apologize for the world's worst subject header.
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| Check it out |
| 10.02.04 (3:44 pm) [edit] |
Sigh, I got behind another person on this planet writing a check for a retail item the other day. Just when I think society's scourge has disappeared for good, they prove otherwise. For the record, it's 2004, kids, and no human being should be paying for anything more than is supremely mandatory-and here's I'm talking about places that won't accept anything BUT checks or money orders, such as your mortgage lender or medical provider-with a check.
So what should you use instead? Cash is one step better but still involves some sense of transaction wherein you have to count out how much to give and they have to count out how much to return. Food stamps should only be used if you have serious medical need or are going through an extreme, permanent hardship, such as cancer, a difficult divorce, or death. Preferrably, everyone on the planet should use debit cards, and I'll tell you why.
Debit cards are extremely efficient forms of transaction. You swipe your card and enter your PIN and it thinks for about 2 seconds and says 'approved.' You're done. The PIN protects you from theft of the card, and with only 4 #s, is easy to remember and quick to enter.
Checks, on the other hand, are one of society's most pervasive evils. They take about 2 or 3 hours to fill out, and then you have to do the little register thingy, and then they have to get your license and put your # on the check, then they have to run it through a processing thing, etc. Most of the time, if I get behind someone who has a checkbook out in a line, I will move to a different line, even if it's longer. It's a good thing I don't work retail because I would go completely out of my way to make people who tried to pay for things with checks feel terrible, such as "holy cow, I haven't seen one of those in years." or I'd call my manager over and say "This person's trying to pay with some primitive form of money called a ...what did you say this is called again, sir?"
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